I am terrified of my A1c.

You ever have that dream where you’re watching something horrible happen and you just watch it?  The compulsion to act never spurs you out of your stupor and you just watch.  The last few months, I have watched my A1c climb.  I saw it (see it) happening and I did not stir from my spot.  Oh sure, I checked every day, took appropriate insulin dosages, didn’t eat like crap and still it rose.  My complacency about my CGM, numbers, trends, and changing my daily habits all combined to me now sitting here not having been below 250 every time I’ve checked in the last three days.  Not for lack of trying mind you, I have bolused faithfully for every high and every meal, but I have not adjusted my overall care.

The beginning of January my shift schedule switched from early morning day shift on weekdays to the absolute complete opposite, overnight weekends.  The first week I felt jet-lagged and my numbers have not recovered either.  I like to believe that my body is resilient, bounces back, and doesn’t need my constant oversight and adjustment.  Do you ever have those thoughts?  “Oh, well I know this will be a dramatic change, but my body will deal, I don’t need to worry.”

Oh why do we fool ourselves in this way?  How can an absolute complete change in sleeping habits, eating times, and general melatonin and serotonin cycles NOT affect my diabetes?!  A disease based in large part on hormones!  Because I wanted so badly to believe it wouldn’t.  Maybe it was my subconscious still fighting against the fact that diabetes affects my life.  Shocker!  You’d think after ten+ years, I would have learned this little truth.  But no, I still prickle under the implication that I must change the way I want to live to account for diabetes.  Inevitably, I lose that fight.

I probably don’t even realize how bad I feel right now.  I’ve been running high for a while now and I’m not sure I even realize how negatively it has affected my mood and my health.  It’s sad how I can know so much about the right ways to take care of things and still struggle so much with applying them personally.

New year, (well, how about new February?!) new chance to take control back from my damaged organ, my life circumstances, and my own stupidity.

Because I inevitably have these revelations over the weekend (or my work week) I have to wait till Monday to order CGM supplies. (but hey! I get a new receiver, which I am kinda excited about!)  And I will wear it, because I desperately need those trends to figure out what adjustments I need to make to my basal.  I cannot do it without the CGM.  And I am going to make a call on Monday to set up an apt with my endo.  I am fully expecting my A1c to be above 8 if not in the 9 range, but I need a starting point, something to build from (I mean not literally “build” but a point from which to depart).

I cannot live like this, and I will not while I can still change it.

—-

I also switched to my own insurance for the first time ever which has also contributed to the general lack of motivation to engage with diabetes or diabetes supply companies.

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One response to “I am terrified of my A1c.

  1. Baby steps, Sara. Just as one little misstep can throw everything off-kilter, one small fix can do wonders to getting things back on-track. I see your preparing to make things better, and I can’t wait to hear how your “recovery” goes.

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