It’s been a while since I posted, but I want to get back on here to share my experiences because I know that inevitably there will be another diabetic who will be sitting exactly where I am wondering if there was anybody as crazy as them and did they succeed. I’m here to tell you…I haven’t succeeded yet. In fact, I’m far from succeeding; I am right smack dab in the middle of the messy, frustrating, why-am-I-doing-this, sitting-on-the-floor-crying struggle of combining me as a diabetic and me as an EMT. I sit and wonder why I chose the career I chose, with its crazy schedule, lack of structure, and unpredictable work days…all of which, I’m sure, are bullet points on a list somewhere of environments diabetics should avoid at the cost of their sanity. But here I am, nowhere else to go, slogging through wondering why the hell I chose to torture myself in such a distinct way.
In all honesty, there are a couple reasons I stopped posting. One would definitely be the busy. Between full-time work, part-time school, and some-semblance-of-time with a social life, the days I had off were introverted gold. I literally sat in my house, on my computer, scrolling Pinterest (it’s cathartic for introverts like me, because we don’t have to care), and not talking any more than necessary. For me, my emotional and relational energy are limited so when those are used up I’m hard-pressed to find a reason to care about people and invest in situations. Writing a blog post requires both those energies, so it got inevitably pushed to the bottom of the pile.
Another reason was my weird embarrassment about how I was dealing with my diabetes. I’m sure you guys all have those days when you want no other reminder of the disease we live with 24/7, even if it is well-intentioned encouragement from the online community. I also was changing things quite rapidly and didn’t want to have to explain (which points back to the energy thing).
All in all, I had good reasons for not posting (at least…I thought they were good). But as I sat yesterday amid gummy wrappers and peanut butter with honey battling a two and a half hour low, I realized that all my doubts, all my struggles, all my weariness could help somebody. I know I wish I could have Googled “type 1 diabetic EMT” and found somebody who knew exactly what I was going through. But maybe I am that person. I don’t know yet. I have yet to succeed in this meshing of two lives, but I’m going to continue to try. Because I can’t give up; one, I don’t have another game-plan, and two, I know diabetics can do this – I’ve met them! More than one! (They’re just not bloggers…sigh).
So here’s to me trying again to record my experiences and hopefully help that one person who thinks no one can possibly be as crazy as them.
You thought wrong my friend…you thought wrong.
Some feedback would be appreciated!